This weekend I watched the movie Life Itself. I needed something that was matching my mood that was not one of my normal go to like Sweet Home Alabama or You’ve Got Mail. I was in a different place and this movie popped up on Amazon. I remembered from seeing it in the theatre, it was different and that I loved it. After watching I went to find my post (and have a moment of remembering why I do love writing), and it struck me: I talked about all the reasons I loved it…. except the song that is played throughout: Make You Feel My Love. A song that I have loved since Hope Floats.
How come I missed it in 2018? Caught up in some other messages of the film? Distracted by the experience shared with Danny? Or maybe my heart was just somewhere else… and today it zeroed right in … that song.
Recently I have thought so much about a question I answered a year ago on my podcast interview with Kristin: what would you tell another CF wife about to embark on that journey? And I think that is why this time, that song grabbed me.
Life and love isn’t always a happy ending. And something I am trying really hard to accept is that no one promised that either. But what it is … what is promised: it is messy. And that goes for all of us, CF spouse or not. For me though, it’s the only love story and life I know. And in some ways I feel like I would fill a millions pages of a blog or book with what that means and in other ways, I have no idea how to do this life, 16 years in. So maybe it is this way for all sorts of other relationships… in fact I am starting to wonder how it will play itself out in motherhood (and will my heart be able to take that) – love like this is just so impossible.
An outpouring that will break you. It will (as the movie says) take you to your knees. The ways it will demand of you, bend you and break you …. lately leading up to my movie night I have even felt confused as to what is real love. But I hear this song ….. I think of my life itself moments and I realize the breaking, the pouring out, the giving “for a million years” is sort of like my hope… even if it is not enough to change the course of life, it doesn’t mean it was not the right love.
“This storms are raging on the rolling seas…. the winds of change are blowing wild and free….”
“I could make you happy and make your dreams come true…. go to the ends of the earth to make you feel my love”
My love story left me breath less for a lot of years …. I knew in my heart at 20 a life that included Danny in it every day would be all I could ever hope for and need to be good. And now to have his eyes looking at me from whole new person we created ….. beyond what I could have asked for. And yet the storms rage…. winds of change beckon. Will this season break us? Will Danny’s lungs not make the journey?
“I could make you happy…. I could make your dreams come true… go the ends of the earth for you”… and if they did… we did…. does that mean our time was used up and what exists is borrowed? Not able to be better?
What would I tell another CF wife? Life itself is an unpredictable journey and I have no idea what will happen with your story …. but the love is real because nothing else could you get to a place of contemplating living this life. The rest? Well… there is nothing I would not do to make my love felt and that will bring me the comfort I need no matter where I find my next seat to watch the storms roll in.
Thank you for reading and remember to make it a great day,
Jackie
Have A Little Faith in We 