Feeling All the Feels

Hello friends … it has been awhile. Last time I wrote it was from the hospital walls of Hopkins and since then a lot has happened. First and foremost, our largest blessing: Danny is home, the Baltimore stay wrapped up nicely, and he has been able to be back here since last Wednesday on home IVs. The stay was smooth sailing and Quinlan and I did not burn down the house. A win-win in our world. But while we have been celebrating getting life back to normal it seems like so many others’ worlds are just not as bright.

 

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Welcome Home Danny! June 2016
It is a fair statement that I am an emotional person. One of my closest friends has always said my passion is my best and worst quality wrapped in to one… and that is absolutely the truth. It is the part of me that wants to fight the good fight and give 150%, so that also means it is the part of me that wears myself down been obsessive and I do tend to “right” the wrong ways – even when I probably should just let a few more things go. For a long time I assumed I would outgrow this part of my personality. I would learn to hide my tears a little better, bite my tongue a little harder, be stronger, and be a little better at live and let live. If I am being honest I sorta hoped I would stop feeling things so much.

 

As life continues on – and you learn and grow – I have come to realize that thinking I will change is pretty unrealistic. Mature, learn, perhaps better manage my emotions – sure….. but learn to be numb, that probably won’t happen and you know what? That is a good thing. Becoming numb to the happenings in the world will not make them go away….. it will not make the world a better place…. and it won’t help me to be a better version of myself. So today I am embracing the space my head has been living in lately and sharing it here on the blog….let the emotions flow!

 

While Danny was at the hospital and then when he is first back life can be really full. There is no doubt we have a lot going on right now…. but the real reason I haven’t really been here has been feeling like what can I even say. Over the last 8 days while I haven’t been posting families have had to come to grip with the loss of their loved ones due to senseless hate and terror. For another family who was right in the middle of creating lifetime memories, a freak accident takes their little boy away. A blogger who has been blessed with 5 precious lives to raise and love on with her husband – had to bury her spouse after losing his very fast battle with cancer. And the hardest one at the moment – a fellow CF family’s routine hospital stay has turned into a nightmare. Suddenly doing a post on my favorite things or what we ate for dinner just didn’t even seem right. Even some of my big ones that I have been looking forward to – graduation, celebrating our 11 years of dating – I have felt greedy to be basking in my blessings, while others suffer through their trials…. I just couldn’t write.

 

Both Danny and I have been spinning from all this startling news. Just 10 days ago we were feeling the frustrations of having to balance a hospital stay, when all we really wanted was to welcome summer and have a little fun at home. How come we have to take the time out? Why can’t we just have a month that we tell CF to piss off (sorry but its true)? Why do I have to feel like I am spinning out sometimes…… that Sunday we watched the Orlando news, I was furious with myself. How dare I think by just not complaining and holding my tears a little better this hospital stay was some kind of victory. People are facing true loss and tortured by intense grief….. and yet the week seemed to be filled with more and more of these unimaginable situations.

 

The most personal one has been watching a family have to endure what we fear most – a wrong turn in CF care and you are facing an emergency situation. A few weeks ago if you would have put this Jackie, a CF gal, and Danny’s files next to each other – Danny would have been the sicker of the two. If we would have said who is going to get a transplant first – we all would have said Danny. And just like that this poor girl is fighting for her life, under sedation, and just trying to hang on until a transplant. It is so much more complicated than I can even address – and it is not my story to tell…. but the honest to God truth is it is the story no CF family ever wants to tell.

 

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Danny with Jackie and some DJO Friends at CF Walk May 2002
By nature CF patients are so healthy looking…. this picture from this weekend you would NEVER guess Danny has IVs going. They are a healthy looking bunch who are stubborn as all get out and know how to fight there way through this unique life. So when one of them is knocked down unexpectedly it hurts and can be a shock to the system. This news has been a shock to our system.

 

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Happy Wedding Eddie & Caroline Heppes June 2016
What can you really say in situations where worst fears are being realized? Everything sounds silly…. nothing seems right…. and no words could ever empower the empathy you know your heart feels. But the truth is there is only a few things you can do – turn to faith, grab onto hope, and soak up all the blessings you do have – big and small. And that is where I have completed my 180 and come to appreciate my tender heart that feels it all. Because somewhere between feeling a little too weak or worrying a little too much about the emotional side – my sappy heart also has been my cue to stop and take it in.

 

When we attended a family wedding this weekend I was reminded of the incredible power in wedding vows – choosing your partner in life and asking them to love you forever. Today when Danny and I left the hospital and headed to lunch in the sunshine, I thought what a gift – a random Monday afternoon that I am just hanging with my best friend. As Danny and I lamented the house clutter or our garden that we can’t stay ahead of – I was quickly reminded of what lovely problems these are compared to some others are currently dealt. And it was Danny who really snapped me out of the sadness saying, we have to live this summer up…. we are gifted with life here and now and that is not a luxury everyone is enjoying.

 

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Happy Wedding Eddie & Caroline Heppes June 2016
This week the Bessettes have a blend of medical and fun….. an opportunity to break out of the mundane and feel the sunshine, grab a beer at a ballgame, have coffee at a hotel….. even if we are talking decisions, we are blessed to have options. My heart will hurt for all the people struggling – but I will honor them by being grateful for the sunny moments, by enjoying what is instead of bemoaning what isn’t, this week when I have been with Dan in the car I am present, not scrolling through my phone. It is true, life is a gift – and currently I am happy about my emotional heart that let’s me feel it all.

 

As we welcome summer 2016, I come to you with this message to soak up the blessings too! And please consider joining us in prayer for Jackie and her family as she fights this infection and awaits a lung transplant.

 

God bless,
Jackie

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