Have A Little Faith in We

Dear God,

Thank you for the most beautiful gift I received this March 8- another trip around the sun. Lately the message that we each are created so incredibly unique and for this very moment in time that we find ourselves has found me often. So as I welcome 39 it seems extremely fitting to sit with it and see just what my unique life has been: a gift.

In the 39 years leading up to now it is a gift I have been using. Some good ways, some ways that leave room for growth. But what I have come to find is any of those seasons or moments that are more the latter, have somehow led to good. What keeps coming to mind is your ability to draw straight with crooked lines… and us crooked humans.

This month while I celebrated the welcoming of more chapters to come, my life is also a gift I look forward to using. Thus the question: what has life taught me already that I can use to live the next chapter. The greatest gift when I look at my reality, outside of actually living it, is having no regrets.

I have no regrets.

No regrets? 39 years and it is all equally perfect, beautiful, easy and filled with truth and beauty. Not even close. There are in fact some very serious things that have taken place that I would not choose and am not happy with how I responded. You know what I mean, God:

The words, hurts and pain, I have hurled at my parents won’t be the sort of memories I want repeated at my funeral. But as we both know it has resulted in a powerful bond that has shaped who I am, given me opportunities to keep learning, and I think it is safe to say most of my successes are thanks to what they were willing to sacrifice and teach.

Close second on banner life moments, the complicated relationships with my sisters. There are no two people who I have hurt more and they have responded to the hurt with love…. forgiveness ….. support. I am not sure there will ever be greater teachers of unconditional love, the thing I wanted so much in my life and I chased in many other ways… when it was right with them. And I am grateful to commit to spending the rest of my days trying to return it to them.

The next one: my marriage. We both know for many years I had it as my most valued blessing. I had married as a result of deep love, a serious romance that still fills me with fond joy, and is fueled by a deep care for another human. It does not look like the way I pictured it would, and yet my dedication to it remains crystal clear in my mind and heart.

Fellow human interactions. Boy, Lord for how much I just love people, there are a lot of moments that I did not love them well. Some close friends who I cherish…. Some strangers who interactions were momentary- all share the bond that I am confident I have mishandled an interaction with them. And yet I have cultivated a desire to look for ways to proceed more slowly, choose words more wisely, and continue to improve so I can interact with all the uniquely beautiful people you have chosen to walk the earth at this time too.

Motherhood. The trail of tears to this chapter and the shock of what parts have transformed me upon arrival are too numerous to count. Sure, the tender pain that surrounded that wound was so great, even the faintest touch of it sent me into a spiral. There were many moments of choosing defeat and despair over hope. Yet, it has taught me the most about trust, timing and how imperfectly perfect is often the best outcome.

You draw with crooked lines. In each of these seasons or scenarios you broke down the walls my humanity erected. You healed the wounds I tore open in my own heart and that of others. In the instances when I couldn’t bear to be anything but a broken human, you provided growth and a new way forward. No matter how much I got it wrong or right, you made it even better. Lord, you draw with crooked lines and crooked humans.

And so dear God, it is me Jackie and I thank you for these 39 years… every second of them. And I praise you more for every second more you are going to grant. Let the blessing of life lived and no regret surround my days, because you can work it all for good.

Love,
Jackie