Have A Little Faith in We

A very distinct childhood memory is of driving home all together in the family car, in the evenings, listening to 97.1 soft rock from 70s, 80s, 90s and today. It is so vivid I can close my eyes and get back there instantly. Some of us asleep, but I was always leaning on the window looking up at the stars or down at the yellow dashes whizzing by. I would imagine who I would be, what my own family life might look like, and how it will feel to be the adult. I felt safe, complete, like this was exact place I was meant to be in this very moment and my whole life lay ahead – a great adventure, just like the songs promised.

I have always assumed the reason for the crystal clear image – like I am in a movie watching it go by- was because these were moments following very core aspects of my life. Often these long drives were coming back from Maryland to see family. A huge part of my childhood. Or maybe because these adventures are often synced up with holidays- Easter, Christmas, Fourth of July. Those are what your family moments are built on. But recently something new occurred to me: it was because how it felt.

As I continue my year of gentle, one area I am really having to work at: parenting. Each stage has its new adjustments, challenges, and joys. But lately Shannon is so much more of a person and experiencing a lot of hard things. My approach with her…. My response to her… my clarity on how to guide her is muffled behind something. I have spent the past few weeks really digging in and have found some very helpful tools, while also committing to that approach: a toolbox with all sorts of resource…. Because there isn’t a single roadmap after all. But something still felt wrong. I was not getting to the root and I was not being effective in making true change for us both.

Then the answer rose to the surface: I am struggling because I am parenting from my humanity. Both Shannon and I are experiencing a lot of big feelings, and changes right now. And in my go to methods for how I approach life: control and self reliance, I was more often then not parenting with so much flying at me I couldn’t see straight. That may not make sense to anyone but me, but it’s the clearest way I can describe it. Those key moments were so shrouded with the layers of my own hurts or fears, I couldn’t step out of it enough to also parent Shannon specifically. What I am learning is I need to parent in the truth: we are both humans trying to make sense of our world and how to react. Yes we are doing it at 38 versus 3, but the simplicity of it is the same.

It has been a powerful, helpful, and important shift. And yet it has brought me so clearly back to childhood and what it feels like to be safe and secure. How important that is…. How it stays with you forever. The funny thing is I know as a kid I was thinking that feeling would remain, but be better because I would be in charge of the radio… but it doesn’t. Somehow with adulthood and more knowledge, it has not equate to more wisdom and confidence all the time. Maybe those songs weren’t so right after all…..

And then today, driving home, a beautiful Sunday evening where we are just starting to see the signs of spring… coming back to our own little world and I look behind me to catch my babies completely asleep. I looked at my playlist: 70s, 80s, 90s soft rock, and I felt that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. And my babies, I think felt it too.

Life is not always what we thought, so when you catch glimpses of what you did dream about coming true …. Pause to take them in. And if you think like me, enjoy the God wink. Today He reminded me that bettering myself through healing to be a better mom is excellent, but not forgetting I already am and to enjoy it too.

Thank you so much for reading and remember to make it a great day!
Jackie