A tattoo is something I have always been intrigued about. Maybe fueled by the fact that I was a teenager and college student when the lower back tattoos were popular or just one way my rule following self thought it may be fun to break a “rule”. But it wasn’t just breaking curfew or sneaking a drink… it had an artistic flair. As my siblings and friends added ink to their bodies I spent more time wondering what it is I would want to have as my permanent insignia and where I may choose to leave that mark?
As I got older Danny talked more about getting one and the fear I had of both how it would feel and selecting something final seemed less like me. It still peaked my interest, but I had gotten to a place where I was not even sure how I had gotten my ears pierced …. So it seemed less likely. My unofficial hospital training has gotten me to a better place with needles and then infertility pretty much convinced me that for a particular end, I couldn’t stand the use of needles. But what would I choose? And even more so what would I be ok explaining to my future kids.
These past 23 months I have lived through experiences that I thought would never happen – I had poured my everything into to assure they didn’t happen. And they still did. The nevers I was sure would never happen were pushing their place into my life to be my normal. And as I continue to face and defend my reasons of faith over fear and safety over dreams… my urge to do something that I never thought would happen but that I chose became a reason to daydream.
As the new year approached and my battle for the life I had wanted continued to shift, I heard the song “Thy Will” by Hillary Scott on it I found an incredible artistic display of the conversation I was having with God for months.. maybe years. I was in a place of “Thy Will” and on a journey to not just follow it… agree to it… but find comfort and peace in it. It was how I wanted to live my life – a life I no longer knew how to lead. I have given it to Him and the days I won’t hand it over I still have to say it. A message I had to learn to live with and wanted to for the rest of my life. I had my tattoo.
A few days later we were driving along and my song came on. As I tend to, my eyes get misty as the lyrics start to pour out… and just like that a little voice from her car seat joined in “Thy Will Be Done” she sang and I remember the angle God gave me in this life. I most certainly had my tattoo.
For my sister Bridget’s birthday she asked if I would babysit Millie so she could get a few tattoos. Suddenly the one thing standing in my way was gone… logistics. And on January 17, 2021 I went with my sister and chose my forever mantra: Thy Will.
Over the next few weeks I will be placing every precious gift I have ever received: my baby, my marriage, my relationship with my family in the hands of the Lord. The time is here and I can no longer beg for what I want… and I have to instead pray for the eyes and heart to see what He wants and what He wants me to do. And ya’ll I am struggling. For years family, friends and strangers have visited my world through this blog and offered their prayers. I am honored… I am not worthy… and my broken human self is back again…. Please join me in prayer. God doesn’t work on timelines so I can’t say what will happen…. But I know my heart struggles more than it has ever before and I am also being asked to have my life on display … I want to run but I need to trust.
My left arm holds the reminders of my greatest blessings: chance at family, at carrying on my Catholic faith, I’d trust love, of the ability to creat life, and now on the back it holds the reminder of whose they are… God’s.
Thank you so much for reading and remember to make it a great day.
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