“If you want something to be different than it ever has been before….. you have to do something different than you have ever done before.”
“The things you have now are the things you had at one point prayed for…..”
Or something like that….
These two quotes crossed my path a few Mondays age and had been rolling around my head all day. As the clock ticked toward 11PM, I thought of that first quote and realized that I was feeling the weight of the week already. This moment’s particular weight was a mix of work to dos, unpacking to dos, and feeling like I had not gotten even close to completing all the things I had on my mind “that will get done on Monday and it will all be OK”, plus the extra weighty decisions of our hard season. I let out a big sigh and thought, each night when I climb into bed well after midnight has come and gone (late second winds are when I try to do it all) and I am most often disappointed that I only got to a portion of my daily prayers. I know that time with Him is what I truly need and the thing that is going to make me feel better…. I have come to accept that to dos will never go away, but the weight I feel is likely more the dread about the uncertainly of our life. THOSE to dos are truly only for God to answer and every week I promise myself I am going to flip the script! Take a nice hot shower early, throw on my cozy PJs and treat myself to some quiet time with God before my little lady calls out to me.
Yes, yes she is 16 months at the end of July and still gets up 2ish times a night. For weeks I have tried to put into words Shannon and I’s rhythm – starting with a Mother’s Day post, but they just can’t quite say what my heart wants. And these posts.. this blog… it really only does its thing for me when the words are real. So in draft mode it sits. But for this post I will simply say that we are sort of all over the map and for the first time in my life I don’t care at all (usually impossible for an over planner a-type with OCD). Sleep training….. schedules…. structure… things that sounded so good to me, pins I put all over pinterest and books I had read sit completely untouched. The year I became Shannon’s mom my world pretty much went bananas and she brings me joy. When she won’t sleep in her own bed…. when she wants to snuggle in the middle of the night… and her latest thing – reaching out in her sleep and saying momma while looking for my hand or rubbing my back… I will take it all. Its likely horrible and even scares me a little how she is my anchor: keeps me going and present from moments like waiting for the news that the second transplant is done…. to opening my eyes in my parents guest room and seeing STUFF EVERYWHERE that reminds me I have even more to pack and gather… she just brings me back to that exact moment or to the warmth of our little cocoon in the bed or in her nursery rocking chair and I love it all and I need it… she is my living proof that God hears our prayers, will heal our hearts – no matter how impossible. Any second I can get touching my miracle (most of the time …I am human)… I will take it.
With one side note: I am still a 100% mom and my only worry that crosses my mind: is it the right thing for her? And as you can imagine those questions or concerns are constant “if she never learns to sleep will she never be able to adjust and fail out of school” type of stuff…. but instead of crazy worry, I am leaning into love and going with it.
OK – so with all that in mind…….
I thought about that first quote and if I was going to want a change in how I felt or to chip away at the heaviness I felt, GOT TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. And so I stopped my “fix life in the wee hours of the night” dance, grabbed a shower and settled in with my prayer books. It felt good and I was able to pour out my most important prayer for this season: “God, just show me or tell me, what the next right thing is…. if I am not doing what I am supposed to, if I am not making the right choices, please stop me…. if is not what the right thing is, please show me. And if this is just the weight of the season and I am doing the right thing, please help me to find healing even without answers and keep moving forward in life. I just am worried I am not always choosing the BEST answer…. or even the answer you would give…..” And then I heard it: “Momma”. I put my books aside and wondered if this is her first time up for this evening, maybe I will be able to get her down next to me quickly and finish my prayers before we both call it a night. I grabbed my girl and she clipped right onto my hip while laying her head on my shoulder and said “Ba-Ba” for her bottle. I made a little one, settled into bed and said my rosary while she drifted back off to sleep. It was sweet and peaceful…. and if I could just lay her next to me and finish my daily prayers to God, we could call it a night. Settled us all in, grabbed my pen and notebook and started my final hearts thoughts when I see a little rustling of the sheets… but Shannon’s eyes were still very closed…. even in her sleep she somehow crawled over and pulled up onto me…. settled her self on my chest and twisted and turned until I put either leg on each side of my stomach…. put the journal and pen on the night stand, and turned out the little light. Immediately she tightened her grip while also giving into sleep and we both gave into the night stretch ahead of sleep, tangled up in our little mess of each other.
And as I was starting to drift off the second quote crossed my mind….. I dreamt of the day little hands would cling to me and call for momma…. and I thought God has answered those many prayers over the years…. and even the one tonight: this right here, Shannon is my right thing… choosing her over it all, is the next right thing…..
Thank you so much for reading and remember to make it a great day!