Have A Little Faith in We

On March 8 I turned 33 and I continue on with the love affair that is my 30s.

When you transition into a new decade it always feels a little unnerving because the days can be long but the years are always so fast. 30 particularly felt so monumental because life had just not gone the way I had expected (I know…. join the club!) and the path forward was extra murky. But what I found was a new sense of self. Something about this decade has helped me to tap into who I am, where I came from, and embrace where I am going – even though I still can’t see that far ahead. There is a sense of calm that invited itself in at the start of 30 and only blossoms more as the years continue. And just in case you are wondering, it ain’t because life is exactly how I want it or I can see the future – rather it is learning to appreciate the ride.

Now this new perspecitve wasn’t just there when I hit 30 and suddenly I was 100% on board, rather it has been a progression which is why I envision it as a seed that had to take root and grow before blossoming. Last year was a pivotal time for learning as my 32 year old self was facing a season that I wasn’t sure how to navigate. So I decided to commit to grace, not perfection. The funny thing was I thought it was just for that season. Yes , yes I will do this now and then get back to MY PLANS ….. but that is the funny thing about grace  – once you let it in, it will change everything. That year I let go and let God and suddenly there was no going back to what life was before, it was about learning who I was becoming – and letting all those voices of “you should”, “you better”, “you have to” —  that lived to inspire dictate perfectionism: go…… making room for the grace I had chosen instead. It truly influenced every aspect of my world and I now know that grace isn’t gonna just be part of 32, but I pray – part of me forever.

So, when you have such a powerful mantra that ltierally alters the wiring of your brain over the course of one year, two things have happened: 1 – I have learned to have a heck of a lot more faith and let the worries go…. and 2 – I am choosing the 33 plan really carefully. Grace not perfection was the best match for last year, so what about this year? We have so many changes that have come with this season of life- for the first time many different doors are opening …. but just because they open, are you supposed to walk through them? There are so many plans I have for my life, yet there have been opportunities that I didn’t quite anticipate (even when they match my ultimate goal). What to do? What things to chase? Where to spend my time? I have to realize the delicate balance between finding my swim lane and what is just an issue of time management. Am I being called to be a writer/runner/volunteer/all the things I dream of and just not committing the time to the process? Or right now is God calling elsewhere. That is what I needed this year’s theme to be about….. guidance for where I am supposed to be and then figure out how to spend the time doing it.

This theme has been on my mind since January. I have fought it for awhile, assuming I just needed to take better control of my day or calendar or sleep patterns. And while all of those things could use some work, I have also found life introduce some pretty monumental moments of where I need to be. On January 2 when my sister called about my parents’ house fire should I have said – “sure I will come help after my gym session?”  Or when we have days where Danny is sick from a med adjustment, I tell him “too bad, the season of illness is over and I need to work on my blog”? Yea – that isn’t going to work….. or protect the most important part of my life: my loved ones. Yet my heart still truly yearns for spending time figuring out where I am supposed to be …. and with that the theme is born: Present over perfect.

The whole question in my mind is where am I supposed to be? So maybe while I figure it out, I should just be as present as possible in the moments God has brought me to. Instead of letting the voices in my head of doubt or anger: “this is why you never get anything done”, “another day of poor time management” and instead say, “I find myself in this moment that I did not plan, but how about I just pray to be as present as possible, and maybe I will learn more about why I am in this place.” And there it is, that word again: perfection! Yup….. I dream, crave, hope for, and assume perfection is everything I need and will solve all my problems. Ya’ll – THAT is a lie and I have got to stop chasing it. Every aspect of my life I try so hard to be “perfect” and if I am being super real: its turned into a bit of an idol. Before I do anything else in this world I better figure out how to divorce myself from that lie. Present over perfect…. if I don’t know exactly where God wants me, the exact direction of my world, or what the future is even supposed to look like – why not just be grateful and have the utmost respect  for life as it stands right now.  Honestly, isn’t it just a blessing to be alive…. or to have the opportunity to spend time figuring out my direction? And with that I go into 33 with present over perfect.

Thank you so much for reading and remember to make it a great day!

Jackie