February 2018 won’t being making an appearance on the blog. In fact, I am pretty sure it is going to go down in Bessette history as the fastest and fullest month of life that we have ever experienced. Yes, we have had lung transplants, and other months that sorta fall under the “just trying to survive” category – but this February of 2018 was actually so full of life all of my energy was spent living it.
We have explored options for both Danny and I’s future careers, made some decisions about goals, and even started a new walk towards a personal dream. Here is the funny thing, so much of our life as the Bessette’s we have started and stopped. We have made plans, watched them crumble and picked back up the pieces. In our 7 and half years its rare that we just kept walking. This can be with the serious stuff – healthy enough to never step foot in a hospital – or the mundane – how does the rest of the world do laundry when they don’t have to stop for recovery couch days? This month I boarded a plane to travel with my mom for a work opportunity, Danny interviewed for a job in the field of his choice….. we stayed up until 2 and 3 in the morning pouring over possibilities…. we paid off a little debit… we had days where we barely saw each other because we were busy…. we had gym dates….. some of these things are life altering and some of them are just living. No matter they each showed us a life the rest of the world has been doing for years that I started to think we never learned how to live.
As I write this I wonder how many other posts have I said these words? How many more times can you all see another picture of us walking a funny little dog and marvel at its wonder (Hey Jac & Dan – its just a walk)? When is this going to get old or there will be new material? Over this question my heart is torn….. all the signs point to life will now take a new shape. The excitement will wane because our life will be cemented as healthy or normal….. my awe struck will be replaced with regular days. This is a blessing – in fact the one I wanted. The funny thing is how often I find myself looking back. I don’t want to forget the pain and struggle because the healing and good is so beautiful. If I let the memories fade behind me – will the world ahead be as bright?
Standing right in the middle of these two emotions during the month of February I found a bench and sat down. What a moment – to so clearly see both worlds: the past and the future, with the path we are being given to walk between them…. I had to stop and just be with it for a little while. My prayer during this time was to be still long enough to find a purpose that I would pick and carry forward to the future. Going forward has never been the wrong answer, its more a question of timing and so while I waited I turned my gaze to Him and asked for the direction.
Taking this time started in a few funny ways and I have written about a million blog posts in my head of how to share it. Even while sitting still my brain is going a mile a minute. But I kept coming back to one answer – Lent. Last year during the Lenten season my life had broken to a million pieces and all I asked of God was to survive it. The path getting to that time had been so long and dark the question of control as a solution wasn’t even a possibility. Basically, I did not recognize myself and had no sense of how to keep going – so I just asked to survive it and to get there, I would surrender every preconceived notion, every plan, every hope – please God just make the pieces whole, even if it is the life I never chose. He did. Lent 2017 – I survived by giving up to Him. So Lent 2018 I wanted to thrive – but again not for me, but for Him.
This desire found its way to me just about the time I settled down in my seat with the amazing view. That is when I knew what this Lent would be: time for my friendship with God. I could sit here and ask Him for guidance, pray for clarity, and share the inside of my heart. There are so many questions and things both Danny and I have whispered towards the future – its the “how” that has just got us stumped. So I will sit here in this moment and pray God gives me the how.
Ya’ll I am a broken, lost, sinful person who struggles with pride, anger, anxiety, control issues….. sitting here I have found a lot of peace – but not without my human tendencies that constantly try to get in the way. To get to this place I didn’t just wake up and find it – I had to fight through hurt, seek religious professional guidance, and even clear the clutter (it is amazing what you eat, the things you watch, stuff you read , and items you listen to can cloud your vision), but I am here. And every time I stop the humanity piece and return my gaze to Him the worries are so small in comparison.
Today’s post, the one that would help me return to my beloved blog, is to share with you the possibility of this Lent. The possibility for life…. the possibility that exists through Him. It is so scary to let go and yet what He will give you to witness is so powerful – I am compelled to try and share it – cause it is there for you too. Looking for a place to start? Just be quiet and willing to just be. You can open your heart and talk, you can just sit and let Him find you, you can journal like a crazy person. If you like to have a particular prayer I encourage you to try Jesus Calling LINK or check out Matthew Kelly’s Lenten video series LINK. Try praying in new places: an adoration chapel, the church but not just on a Sunday, or even in nature. There is no right way – all you need is the tiniest bit of hope, even that of a mustard seed, and the willingness to sit with it.
One thing Danny and I have been sitting with is the hope to help others who struggle. We both have come to understand and recognize a specific sense of pain and despair. Both of these things fill our world in so many ways – we happen to only know the ones that have been specific to our season of life. But if you have come to see and know it – and survived – you can’t help but want to cheer on those who are still fighting their battles. That is so very hard. We were blessed with many who tried to help us and we responded with closed hearts and turned backs. Not everyone is ready to be helped or to hear your victory song, so rather we are just desperately hoping to find the ways we can show up that will help. This month God literally led us to 2 chance meetings of people struggling with illness and another family seeking guidance when facing death. Are we equipped to give answers? To provide absolutes? Nope, not even close. But we are human enough to give love and to walk with them for just a moment. Maybe we aren’t meant to fix but rather to love and promise that healing can be found in the incredible brokenness….. God saved us through ours. Here He provided not just a how, but an even greater understanding of the direction – if you show up, He will too.
February 2018 I got to sit with God and I am grateful for the time. Lent I have chosen to stand and start walking with Him and I am grateful for the journey. And for the future I pray to stop and sit with him again – cause even the broken has beauty – and I pray I will still be grateful. Wishing you all a Lenten season of beauty and the discovery of possibility through Him.