One of my favorite people, that I also happen to work with, often references this commercial: “that’s not how this works…. that’s not how any of this works” and it always gets a good laugh! Because that moment is just so darn relatable…..
If I was to choose how to describe myself – Catholic would be at the top of the list. I was born Catholic, I was raised Catholic, most of my education was by attending Catholic schools – and I am on a daily journey of being a good Catholic. Now please note I said daily journey…. because it really is an effort everyday! I have the prayer thing down…. I have the bible reading going….I have the saint intercessions in full effect… I will light candles with all the old ladies….. and I go to mass when I am happy/sad/worried/excited/tired/energized – because the table of the Lord welcomes us all in any state. But here is the part that I sorta goof up on the regular – actually trusting in the faith.
Talking with friends recently there is that gnawing feeling that can find itself seated in the back of your mind, taking up space. Sometimes this little bugger is there to help you realize your dreams or change paths or discover your passions! Other times that little menace messes with your balance and leaves you wondering if you have taken a misstep – or will take a misstep – or the worst one of them all? You don’t think you have taken a wrong step and you won’t know until its a million years too late! For me those feelings and questions can leave this terrible need to fix and do….. suddenly sitting, waiting, being patient is the enemy and you must try and turn your life upside down as fast as you can!! Its like your keys sitting at the bottom of your purse and you have 5 seconds to find them…. times to DUMP! I gotta fix my lifeRIGHT NOW…..
You know what would come in really handy in those moments – faith! Yup – good, ole fashion prayers, trust and a smile…. you know what is hardest to muster up…. faith. Yes – my name is Jackie and I am the most faithful, unfaithful Catholic you will ever meet! Well – I of course really hope that is not the case and that is even the reason I am writing today – because maybe there are others out there like me. You know you believe in faith…. you know you invest your time and heart and soul in your faith – you may even spend all day long talking to God – yet when it comes down to taking action or just being patient, you pounce on the action. I say… just have a little faith…. but do I really?
For me I envision it two ways: First like a water balloon about to burst…..the pressure is building: do I say something??? Do I act??? Do I make a change?? What if this is my only chance??? And if you don’t do something to change the pressure its going to BURST! So I do a little release…. sometimes it is good and healthy (a run, writing, stepping out of the hot zone) and sometimes it is not so healthy thing…. (snarky comment, social media sting, jumping head first into the hot zone). Second way: I picture God – who I have been praying to for help and guidance all day…. I am going to church…. I am reading the bible – and yet I just can’t wait for his timing and I strike… and what does he say? “That’s now how any of this works….Faith is trusting and being still…” yea, God – I know… oops.
Life is bringing us a lot of moments to assess. Do we move forward with life without transplant worries? Do we baton down the hatches and prepare for the transplant? And when you are thinking about serious stuff like that …. then you start to wonder, am I living my life even right at all? Forget the serious stuff – what about all the little stuff? We never did try living on another coast…. what about what I want to be when I grow up …. should we save those extra bucks for the future dreams…. or spend them now cause you can’t take it with you? We aren’t getting any younger…. but are we still young enough to try and fail??
None of these things do I have an answer for…. and again I often wonder if if this is not how any of this works…. yet tonight I wanted to come here and say to all you who might be feeling it too….. you aren’t alone. I started out this week knowing these question marks were STRONG – so I made a pact with myself and to God, if I just don’t do anything that requires too much clean-up (let that balloon bubble up!!), that will be a win. I don’t really know if my heart can find peace with all these questions, so instead I will try and just not make it have to have answers either. Well I have done well and done miserably…. and ladies and gents – it is only Tuesday night. So instead of worrying about it – I am going to go ahead and say…. it was a little trial and error and even if this is not how any of this works, well…. if I am lucky, I will get a chance to try it again tomorrow. And sometimes, as my mom says – all you can do is just show up. Keep showing up to your life…. keep showing up to your faith…. and even if you don’t figure it all out, you might be surprised how the dial does move a head just a little bit toward some clarity. So here’s to keeping the faith…. even if just a little bit….. even if that means starting over a million times a day!
Thank you for reading and remember to make it a great day!