Have A Little Faith in We

Yesterday was Danny’s kidney stone surgery. As you may recall, he has a kidney stone that is rather sizable – but not causing any issues, so we have just let it be. However over the recent hospital stay they found it has grown and wanted it out…. So yesterday we blasted it. I am happy to report it went great! Danny had to be put under – which is dangerous with someone who has 28% lung function – and we had a few hurdles, but he made it out successfully and back home in the same day.

It was funny how that day felt – especially on the heels of Monday’s post. My heart is still heavy with the burden of my family’s current situation. It is odd how I will be going along and that knowing feeling will just appear. I wish it wouldn’t – but I also wish I wouldn’t crave fast food- so you know, what can you do? After writing Monday night I felt better about being patient in the progression of time and letting life just continue to motor on. There are no current answers but time, space, and healing – so I need to just focus on the rest of life. That is a little hard right now because life is basically 100% about Christmas! Hearing the songs, smelling the scents, feeling the glow of this time of year…. It all reminds me of my family. So what can I do to not encourage further resentment for where we are? Focus on MY family….. Focus on Danny.

The truth is our good days, our good days that are holidays, our moments of normalcy can be harder to come by. It is not dramatic- it’s just a fact. And right now- in the moment my sadness and anger risks stealing my first holiday in a home we love…. Time with my husband when he is feeling good… Memories that cans never be redone. Yes- I wish they included my family – but I have not lost everything… And even that may return someday, so while waiting I won’t lost the here and now. So I made a promise to myself to just focus on what is right in front of me to get done AND what is good.

So that brings us to Tuesday – procedure day. This is the first procedure/medical event that I can recall that I did not have our counsel of parents involved. Someone watching the dog…. Someone getting our stuff… Someone running errands…. It is rare we make it a thing between just us three. And even the moments they aren’t all there I am texting play by play updates on my phone. Now please don’t mistake me- I am so so so grateful for those moments. I couldn’t have gotten to where I am easily without all the help. It has been a journey and I was glad to have partners. But this experience with my family has ignited in me a question of how much I blindly relied instead of doing it on our own? How much I am constantly worried about updating people enough…. Equally asking for help… Managing their expectations and trying not to express my own…. It is distracting and I am rarely 100% in the moment with Danny.

I would be lying if I said I don’t perpetuate this cycle, like this pattern, or plead for the support – I do. And I am guessing if you asked our parents you would hear that I put up a lot of these requirements and check lists…. I yell for the help… I ask for the permission or courage or support or direction – they don’t feel the need to  give it. And in the mane, they would be right. Well the lessons I am facing right now are that everyone has their own life…. Everyone has their own family…. Everyone is responsible for taking care of their own needs/wants/emotions on their own- and I am no exception. And during this time I am having to ask myself- is part of my frustration that I feel the need to be so aware of what others will think, feel, be affected- compared to others in my world who do what they want without hesitation – am I jealous? Do I really just need the excuse to be liberated?

All of those questions, all of my processing remains to be answered and understood…. But for now I am dying to really silence every distraction and really see… really hear… really do: what it is that is the best for my family. Today- that was being present with Danny and not updating the masses. Anytime I got distracted or wanted to think abut frustrations – I literally fixed my gaze on my husband. And you know what? It was perfect. Danny and I were talking and laughing as we sat in pre-op.

While I watched him get ready, listening to him answer the standard million questions they always ask – I was suddenly transported in time through the 10 years of these moments. I saw myself that first hospital stay that every beep made me jump…. Or the one quickly following our engagement that I first said fiancé. I saw the troubled visits…. I saw the easy ones…. And in that moment I was overcome with such gratitude for my life shared with this guy. He has me cracking up over hospital gown jokes and full of butterflies with his smile… It sounds so crazy- or maybe not…. Maybe you have heard this over and over and over again on the pages of my blog and yet for me? It never ever gets old. I never once am used to that feeling of being blessed to be so in love. And to know the real true love that is made up of the tough stuff. We have long left the days of first kisses and exciting dates and yet my little heart still knows the depths with which I would go to follow this boy anywhere.

Today I realized that the rest of my life will be filled with holes – that are for me to address. There will always be areas that are sticky and hard…. I will never be able to look at everyone in my life with deep admiration or love all at the same time…. But I do get to look at my husband and see the direct result of continuous love, undying support, a true commitment that sustains the ugly and wonderful…. And for that I am grateful. And while I am being grateful – don’t forget to be confident. I have faced a lot in my life – sometimes all at once- and it has shown me that I am strong, I am smart, and I am capable of living my own life….. trusting I know what I and doing is something  I need to be ready to do…. because I am ready to be trusted and have to begin with myself.

With these parting words I say- we were told this recovery could be harder than we thought. There is a chance we will be back in a week for round 2…. There was even a chance he was going to have to stay in the hospital…. At first I panicked! What about our to do list??? What about getting Christmas done??? What about our plans with friends?? What about our guests coming this weekend??? Will the time for healing from my family have to break down under the weight of needing them??? The questions flew at me fast! But hey life is determined to teach me that the what ifs are many…. And worries can out number the stars- so for now I choose to spend it focused on his hazel eyes.

Thank you for reading and remember to make it a great day!
Jackie