Broken

Dear friends – my delays in writing and my inability to be here, in this space that means so much to me has hurt my heart. This little world that I author does me so much good and in a lot of ways I have really thought that getting back here would help. So today I am trying that. The end of November and start of December has brought a lot to my world and when this season of life passes, I will be glad I had pushed through to document it, even if I just didn’t feel like it.

The tough situation over the past few days was a result of some things that have occurred between my family and myself. I am one of five children – our Heppes world consists of 7 adults and 1 almost adult. This means that things can get complicated. Hurtful things have been exchangednand there will need to be a lot of healing for everyone. From what I can tell, this Christmas will not be an easy one – which is about the furtherest from what I could have imagined, coming off the heels of our tough Thanksgiving. But this blog is the story of our life…. the whole life: the good, the bad, and the ugly. It would be odd to not hear of my family on this space- even just for spell (heck in one weekend wrap you can hear about them three times over), but there is a chance you won’t and it felt disingenuous to not acknowledge it.

However my desire to express the experience here goes beyond just acknowledging it. This is really hard for me and if I am struggling with acceptance, patience and understanding towards family  – I would venture to say there will be others out there who are too.  If you have spent even just a little bit of time here you know what my family means to me. And this situation suggests some potential change in how I relate to my family and how my family will look in the future. Those are tough things – that demands space, time, reflection, prayer, and potentially the need to grab my bootstraps and force myself forward. As someone who struggles with anxiety and prefers to be in control, that can be a really scary image. Moving forward on a path I never imagined, in a world I did not create, with new courage I never knew I needed- because I have to, not because I elected too – it is difficult to accept.

Currently the balance between validating my emotions and putting them away is one of the hardest I have faced. Maybe this balance is a secret I can learn from this blogosphere, or maybe it is just something that writing will help work out in my head. Either way it is very delicate and I am sure one of the largest lessons I need to learn – and can perhaps share with others.  It is my belief that struggles are more valuable when shared to help someone else, so here I share the truth: I am struggling, I am in pain, and I am being forced to see growth and change in both my world and myself…..when it is not what I wanted.

For now I have elected to take time and space. This is hard – I am a doer, I am a fixer and I want a solution today. Constantly I am thinking of some sort of outlier that all of a sudden demands an answer from how all that has transpired will affect it. Are we doing family gifts together? Did my mom get a chance to review my research on my grandma’s new phone line? But I have to be patient, I have to be kind to my soul and emotions and I have to know that pushing beyond where I am ready could result in a worst situation. It must be one foot in front of the other – slowly day by day – and that is hard.

My blog will not center around this aspect – it is just one part of life. The details of the whole situation will not be shared – since this is not my family’s blog. But I may elect to continue sharing my part of the journey in hopes that it may help you – and in exchange I ask for your prayers for all involved, for my heart to heal, and for the respect by my family of each other’s needs for adequate healing time and space.  And if you too are faced with large or small hurt – remember that looking too far ahead can be hard – so just step one foot in front of the other.

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