My heart hurts…. I just can’t think of any other way to describe it. In some ways that sounds insensitive… I have not loved and lost, my life is not dramatically changed, and tomorrow chances are the sun will come back out for me. But all the same- my heart is full of ache and pain.
Monday night we hoped to leave for New York at 8PM. But after a series of errors, being stuck late at work, and fear of not finding parking near our Air BnB- so opted to leave in the morning. So of course a gift of more time at home meant more to dos, packing more clothes, stayed up way too late working on my nails…. You know the drill. Dan planned to drive so I could work, which mean he went to bed at midnight ….. for me however my head did not find a pillow until about 2am. Then at 3:56 my phone rang and Dan told me to come to the basement.
There I found him in a very similar state as June , not good. He felt so weak and not able to move without being ill so he even debated calling an ambulance. This is not for dramatics- in fact anyone who knows Danny is very aware of his high tolerance and lack of desire for drama…. So I knew this was not good.
We got ourselves together and him stabilized enough to drive ourselves. And in the wee hours of that morning I made that o so familiar drive to the Fairfax ER. My mind wandered between being way too jumbled with questions to completely blank. What was happening?
The night before Danny was fine! In fact he was so excited about New York and our little bit of extra time, he ran out to get a new haircut and some clothes. We had been so looking forward to the trip and even laughed at the typical Heppes family stuff that was already happening before we were even together ( you know the true personalities that can come to life even just through text!). I was so confident it was going to be a great trip because I had already committed myself to great despite pefection – with my secret weapons . Danny and I were so ready…. Even completing my Heppes pre- watch list and enjoying the festive treats!
But life had other plans. And at the end of it… That is the hard fast and very simple truth- this trip was not meant to be.
Hospital diagnosis? An unknown weird mix between a kidney stone that had been dormant, acting up, and a slight blockage. We still don’t really know what it all means- the most important things we do know:
1. Danny is in good hands.
2. Danny’s overall Lung health (typically the biggest concern) remains strong. He was at high functioning lung percentage for him (30s) and up in weight- key factors last week and these are holding steady.
These truths don’t appear to be changjnng anytime soon, he will be kept stable with a few days in the hospital. That and the reality that we will not be spending our holiday in New York.
So overall – not the worst thing ever…. In fact it has been worse before…. So why the heart pain? The gift of time with my family at this once in a lifetime event is gone. As we all get older these events together, these moments to celebrate our journey from little kiddos to adults, feel rare. Mixing that with the wonderful relationship that is really starting to cement between Danny and my family- and I am so saddened to miss the trip.
It may sound weird and perhaps I am the only one- but growing up family was the biggest factor in my life for who I would become. Watching, learning, growing- my family molded the dreams I have engraved in my heart for my own family. So those moments when I see my siblings and parents laughing and enjoying my husband the same way all my aunts and uncles interacted when I watched as a kid – my heart bursts with happiness and love. I am doing something right- we are a family… Happy, loving – a bit of disfunction- but a family. And these moments will be what we all remember as the years continue. Already I could see us playing cards, grabbing coffee in the morning and drinks in the evening, laughing till our sides hurt, exploring the city… And cheering on our baby girl…. Again not perfect – but pretty fun. And now we will not see a single one of those moments.
This is not the last time for our family and not the only memory to be made. There will be more and Danny is going to be OK. Those realities- make me grateful and remember that a little heart hurt is life, but we just gotta keep trucking. So thank you for the brief moment to pity party and now onto how to make our new Thanksgiving adventure the best it can be!
Sorry for now no images – I am posting from the hospital and will have to add them later… wifi here is not so happy.