Tuesday June 10 Danny woke up in ICU when he had gone to sleep in his regular hospital room. The conversation moved fast and the need for “decisions to be made” being repeated often. A bad infection had take hold and based on the lack of response to antibiotics in recent treatments, the medical team suspected the same outcome. Danny did not want to be intubated, so that led to the final option: prepare to say good-bye.
What sticks out in my mind are these answers and directions:
- When should folks come to say good bye? “No time like the present”
- Can he go home for this final chapter? “Not possible at this stage.”
- My daughter can be here within 2 hours… “let’s make that happen”
Wednesday Shannon came for her visit and I braced for the unexpected of the coming days.
And then on Thursday the meds impacted the infection. Things were getting better. The doctor that made the clearest sense to me gave these facts that I used to coach myself:
- We are no longer dealing in days.
- These are life ending circumstances, but not so urgently.
- He will not return to where he was before the infection, but we can get a new normal – what it looks like and for how long no one can say.
And that is where we remain today. We waited and Danny moved to the step down unit from the ICU. On Friday, June 20 Dan came home.
I started this blog post on Saturday June 21 and today July 7 the status remains the same: we are experiencing a willing spirit, but a tired body.
When I ask Danny his perspective: he doesn’t feel the urgency of ending like he felt before. He hopes to use the gift of time and felt this was a good trial run for what could be. This weekend we saw a bit of rut with complete exhaustion and a lot of confusion. Unknown.
That is the posture… that is the plan… that is the focus: gift of time.
As a planner, a perfectionist, an overachiever and someone who wants everything to be wrapped in a nice bow- I feel the challenge of this unknown. As a person begging God to walk in healing…. heal more… and know how to live life well: I feel the invitation of the challenge.
When we were in the intensity of the situation I was comforted with peace, I knew what mattered to me, the right help (family, friends, hopefuls resources) appeared and I was able to accept it.
Then in the calmer post storm, I was given the opportunity to select priorities. And today, start of July that is where I find myself. Priorities for my resources (time, energy, money), priority of relationships, priority of focus an exercise I feel like I am failing.
When we were on the thick of the storm the priorities made themselves. Now that we are back to the real world I have to set them. History says- a struggle. Today at work I described it as FOMO: fear of missing out. But the reality is I have a very hard time choosing and an even harder time sticking with my choice. And if everything is important, nothing is important . Yet I am convinced I can, and should strive to do it all.
My latest prayer for life has been for peace and calm…. to lead with love, faith and hope. Isn’t that the path? Doesn’t it make things clear. When you have to live like your dying, doesn’t the image come into focus?
God gives you what you need in this life: the need for him, the creation for a purpose, and the journey to get you to your calling. Well I have needed to continue to prune my life, focus my attention, and seek His plan. And now we have it in the gift of time. The spirit is willing and the body is weak.
What is next we will find out, but in the meantime and while watching the world struggle some fierce things (Texas floods are on all our hearts), time is a gift is the major message and so let us utilize the wait.
Thank you so much for reading and remember to make it a great day!
Jackie
Have A Little Faith in We 