It was one my lifelong best friend’s bachelorette weekend in charming Charleston with a variety of ladies from different walks of life that all gathered to celebrate our girl. She is one of those genuinely good people who you are so blessed to know and has the incredible ability to make you feel loved beyond measure. Thus we all wanted her celebration to be perfect and of course we all had a lot of different ideas how that may look. Shopping…. beach time…. wine … naps …. workouts… there were just so many visions for how to spend our time and not a single passive personality in the group. The dynamics were going to be interesting no matter what and my people pleaser mode was on high alert. Then as if blessed with a crazy unique idea, her sisters suggested splitting up for activities. It would seem to solve the conflicts, but was that really what should be happening? I mean we were here for the bride.
The challenge- I was coming off being sick and the idea of the beach with how I was feeling actually made my skin hot and stomach twist up (and I love the beach). What if it ruined my chances for the group dinner we did all agree on? What if I am miserable and snap at folks? Walking around town and wine tasting were speaking my language, but my guilt of what a good friend does was in overdrive. I said something referencing my quandary and her sister looked me square in the eyes with a lesson that has stuck with me over a decade later: “We are adults, you know we can eat ice cream for lunch if we want to…” mind blown.
It sounds so simple right? But this perspective really surprised me. In fact I remembering dissecting it in right on the spot. You can’t eat ice cream for lunch?!? Was the first thing I spouted off in my mind- it would: be wrong, make you unhealthy, you won’t be full, it is not what ice cream is for! My evidence for the ridiculousness of this idea, was quickly followed up with- but who would tell me that? Who can actually punish me over it? The only person that would really have to live with the consequences is me. Which in a nutshell shell is adulthood. In fact being a grown up is full of so many consequences in general, having a little fun and risking circumstances that may not even happen sounded worth it.
This wisdom from my later 20s has followed me into what is about to be my 40s. The hard part, it is not muscle memory, it is not a default setting, and it is not something I practice particularly well. And yet it has been a lesson each season of life has presented in new and different ways. And when those lessons get too complicated- well I love to reach for this very simple and much more fun concept: I am an adult and can eat ice cream for lunch.
As we grow this almost rebellious attitude isn’t just about becoming an adult, learning to make our own decisions, or pushing the boundaries we hit. Rather it is part of the maturing process – both doing it yourself and learning to let others do it too. In fact as I have both observed and studied that growth phenomena I have come to understand if you do not stand up and learn how to decide, how to use your voice (which for me has been both words and/or silence and action) and design your own life- you will find yourself holding a victim sign and blaming how life has gone on everything and everyone else.
Suddenly this idea that came to me so surprising and felt so cringeworthy- as you risk being seen as irresponsible, messing up, being selfish- is the exact philosophy that has helped to protect my personal values. To live life as a Catholic, as a Christian, as a women, as a wife, as a mom, as a professional, and blesssed to be in relationship with other humans- my values for how to live would have been sacrificed at an alter of people pleasing. Now I am a human… a work in progress … and the only thing I know to be true is that I will always have to learn, to try, to mess up, and to try again. So not every aspect of my life reflects this important lesson, but when it really counts I have been glad to risk making my own decisions.
And the other half of this that I will be exploring in another post, when you add God to the mix He will draw straight with crooked lines, so my safety net is pretty incredible. Just not sure he will grant me my dreams of the perfect body shape, while eating ice cream for lunch daily. But He will guide me to make the moments I push back and have the discipline to choose on my own, the moments that are the right ones and lead to His plan.
Here’s to hoping we all can flex that muscle of choosing…. and just maybe let it include ice cream for lunch every once in awhile.
Thank you so much for reading and remember to make it a great day!
Jackie
Have A Little Faith in We 