There have been quite a few moments I took to my keyboard feeling a lot of painful and ugly things. If I am being honest writing wasn’t just cathartic or about documenting our lives. I am grateful for those benefits – but they weren’t the true momentum pushing me forward. I sat at my computer pouring out the emotion because I had to release the intensity that was circling inside. Days we got bad medical news or were just long and exhausting…. I wanted to get the sludgy stuff filling my brain, weighing down my heart, and knotting up my stomach OUT. This is where I came. Feeling strong, being positive, seeing the good were never the parts of me that I wanted to lose – but sometimes, I wanted to give in to the other side. This isn’t easy and I am in pain…that brought me here.
Often when taking to my writing this way I wasn’t really sure what would happen. Would it come out right? Did I just sound like a complainer? Or could people begin to understand? Somehow would it change the circumstances – even if none of the facts changed, just how I felt about them? Luckily the seesaw of life gave me a lot of ups that I have also taken to my laptop with. Coming to the blog on the days that my emotions of happy and excitement are so overflowing I need somewhere to put them is a fond memory from the hours logged here. All in all I would like to think I have brought enough of both to draw one conclusion: I am human. Yes, yes I am human with blessings and suffering…. with joy and sorrow…. with happy and sad… and with good to celebrate and mistakes to grow from. And it is in this balance that is humanity where the beauty just erupts. Truly – without the rough you could never love the good – without the intense heartache, you could never appreciate the feeling of a heart about to burst. I pray all the time…. please let me find a way to truly capture these strokes of emotion that have helped me to see the world you built for what it truly is…. and please let me share it with others.
And then there was today. Today the alarms went off with a start and I was up and bustling around pretty quick. Both Danny and I to be up , getting ready and exiting the door. This was Danny’s first day of work at his new job post transplant. He has done a little contract work and revisited a few earlier projects – but today was an actual start to a whole new chapter. In some ways we sorta celebrated it…. we talked a lot about it…. we received well wishes… and there was an acknowledgment that we were in a whole new world now. But in other ways we heard the alarm, got up , headed out the door and would eventually return here. Maybe it was just a day… a day at work. So tonight while texting with my sister I realized how wrong I was. All those minuets….hours… and days I spent at a hospital watching Danny literally yell in pain. Or the days there was no talking like the days bad news joined us at a doctor’s office and followed us all the way to the car… maybe even to a dinner out trying to pretend that life could go forward…. until eventually it moved in with us and found its way onto the couch next to its friends – the ticking clock and fear that already resided there.
Today wasn’t scary…. it wasn’t sad… and no one wondered if we had made the wrong choice. Just like the messy stuff, it might not be forever, the job may change, it could always bring in more money or be closer to Dan’s dream career…. but all in all it was what our life needs right now – a start. So today was a good day – and that my friends is worth the same time, attention and celebration. As soon as I started to think like that I was amazed at what happened next…..
Maybe this is just how my brain works – but as soon as I started to compare it to the bad days – I was reminded of how much I prayed for this type of good. I thought of the days that we had the hard conversations ending in “I think we have to move in with my parents (and yes, we have lived with both families)”. Or the days the pressure of being the primary income cracked me: I was so afraid of a boss who would just not like me, or a job I would end up not being very good at, or a day that my short fuse was hyperactive and I risked just losing my marbles. Years of never saying no, hours of working to try and be the best, or the times I cried bitterly wishing I was the one who wasn’t capable of working (yup – this is the reality zone and we had to work through that – I was jealous of the hospital….. life is complicated as a caregiver spouse). Times we looked at options for a family and wondered if we will ever have that sort of money. Or watch friends celebrate new homes, promotions, travel – while we wonder if we will ever just break even. I thought of the days that I had to learn the hard lessons : I did lose jobs or I had bosses tell me to ask my family to participate more with Danny so I could work harder…. or the times I had no idea which to pick – working or being at the hospital useless. None of those days were today….. and even better today was sorta the opposite.
So if today is the opposite of the tough days of my career…. if today was not a hospital day or a day of bad news….. and today was a chance to change the course of our lives as a couple – as a family – today was a really good day. For Danny I am so proud, so excited, and charged full of possibility….. this is a whole new life for him – and he is going to start it with 100% plus lungs! For me I am so grateful I don’t feel alone and I can see the beginning of circumstances shifting. And for all of you- I want to remind you that everything is seasonal. The scary…..the good… the bad…. and it all can lead to something you just never, ever expected. So give each season its due – even the ones that seem just normal – and find the good in it all. Congrats Danny – here we go!
Thank you so much for reading and remember to make it a great day!