Two things can be true at the same time. A life lesson we all seem to learn at some point or maybe you are more like me and need to learn it over and over again?
Over the last 4 years it has been a truth that has followed me a lot. In fact I have been too busy learning it in real time to really ponder it. But this week with the start of Lent on Ash Wednesday, that also happened to be Valentine’s Day this reality become so loud pondering it has been the only choice.
February 2020: it was finally my turn. For years I watched as the world of baby happened all around us. Announcements, baby showers, family prep and then a whole new little person joining the world. After a long and winding road the turn was finally ours. For so long I approached the topic with a lot of distance and a lot of tears. Admittedly while other (what I normally would have called “good” but see this post) Christians believed in professing your faith in confidence and making plans for the babies that would eventually come, I choose a different path. Never allowing myself to plan or wonder about my turn, rather I shut the world out. Talking names, looking at Pinterest boards or even exploring the aisles was a no. Some seasons I took it a step further, publicly annoucing my inability to cope with refusing invites, avoiding gatherings or even being public about the pain and hurt. All in all avoidance was my plan and so when the turn came for us it felt unbelievable. So many feelings of finally, so much surprise, and so many dreams coming true. And when February rolled around and we were a month out from meeting this long awaited little girl, while also being the month of my shower it truly felt real and I was on cloud 9 often.
The times I was not on cloud 9 was because of the other reality. Danny had officially moved into the hospital to live. Being home had not been possible without the return of regular ambulance rides. We were in disbelief at the life we were living and yet also adapting. We had learned to build a schedule: when I would live in Baltimore at a hotel so I could also be at the hospital daily versus when I was home. During hospital days, when would I work, when would I help get Danny into a shower (and what one would wear at 8 months pregnant to be comfortable in a steaming shower to wash my husband that could not stand anymore), to how we would enjoy the time: movie and take out dates. It is amazing what the human spirit can normalize. While also coming to terms with the fact that a transplant was the only solution and the most basic requirement to start the listing process: a walk around the hospital floor. Something he was not open to do and I could not stomach making him. A shower was a good goal and that was happening at least once a week. If there was no transpalant then there was only one other option and that one would likely come before our little girl would arrive.
Two truths existed at the same time with equal weight, equal distraction, and competing desires: I wanted to meet my baby and I did not want to say good bye to my husband. Wanting time to speed up and slow down all in the same breath.
Wednesday was about celebrating the holiday of how love makes us all feel and also the greatest love story of all – starting with calls to sacrifice our feelings so we could walk to the greatest gift: Jesus death on a cross. Two dynamics that could not be more unique and could not be ignored were both present every where we went February 14, 2024.
This truth has also been so loud lately as Shannon and I have received firm plans for our next chapter and the elation of knowing a version of the answer of “what’s next” . While also recognizing that Danny won’t be moving forward in this next chapter in the same way. Our life represented in the things that we had used to make a house home will be making its return from a storage unit, but he won’t be returning with it. I always thought when this new chapter would begin, I would have a handle on the status and my emotions of Danny’s state in life, but I don’t and yet I am still ready. Two truths can exist: I am ready to move towards life for our little family and I am sad it is while accepting the family I wished would just happen in February 2020 isn’t the one that exists in February 2024.
For weeks – maybe even months- I have been writing snippets of blog posts. My heart wants so badly to be here and yet my brain says if I don’t have a clear answer how can I be here. And that is when the two truths existing at the same time became so clear. It is how life is – in fact I think it is likely one of the largest truths about motherhood. So why can’t I write living in both?
Taking the time to work through these feelings, while determining what I want for this life and standing at the doorway of this new chapter – one other truth has surfaced for me. I started blogging in 2014 because of how I felt about my life. It always amazed me how much the little mundane things meant and how I would be able to withstand the disruptions this little life had because of the love I had for Danny. I heard a blogger one time describe it as “needing a place to put down all these feelings” and that was it. I wanted to capture it all and also how miracles can be so tiny when surrounded by the confident power in the love. That truth has not gone away…. some of the circumstances have changed, the love has expanded, but how I feel and what I can withstand because of that love has not. It may not make any sense to anyone else and yet I still feel a desire to capture it. Two truths existing at the same time.
What a season to open myself up to trust, holding Jesus hand in the unknown, and willing to take the journey knowing it will be hard, demand discipline and accept I will fall. Lent is the same and I am so excited about that journey, just maybe I am allowed to be excited by this one too. One that never ended and also is starting anew… two truths.
Two truths will always exist and my prayer Lord, is I steward them well. My gratitude is the number of prayers offered to me and my family through this whole journey of blogging. And my hope is what will be on these pages…. in my story…. in our life.
Thank you so much for reading and remember to make it a great day!
Jackie
Have A Little Faith in We 