Good or bad…. Good or bad…. This is the filter through which I viewed my world. From the big things: was that reaction to my daughter or compromised husband – good or bad? To the little details of the day: extra cup of coffee- good or bad? When I say everything, I mean everything. Towards the end of 2023, I decided to observe this practice: how often was I really doing it? Was it intentional? Is it something I could influence? In fact I had to be very careful to just observe it and not turn it into another opportunity for “am I doing this practice and is it good or bad?” Rather I got curious. And through my observation I quickly concluded this practice was actually my coping mechanism. If I was seeing everything through this filter then I was sure to be a good: Catholic, women, professional…. Or I was just plain good.
The truth is life has taught, especially in the past few years that good and bad are often intertwined. In some of our most powerful seasons of life, the moments that often define who we are or our future, the good and bad is so closely connected, it is impossible to see where the good ends and the bad begins and vice versa. And one of the worst things we can do is to choose a camp and live in it, with no ability to pivot, grow or change. And yet I continued to demand of myself this process of everything is good or bad… when all it really was doing was making my life harder.
So the end of 2023, I choose to start changing it. I focused on three things: stopping using it in my own head, stop using it outloud, and do not look at this effort to stop it as “good or bad”. Internally: as soon as I would start to feel my brain trying to identify it I would actively choose to stop and instead try to understand the outcome I desired and then work backwards on the how…. instead of trying to determine how to be “good or bad”. Externally: instead of phrases like “oh I am being bad” when describing taking a break or that extra cup of coffee, I would use the language of truth: “just grabbing a cup of coffee”. Both of these practices proved useful to help address the pattern NOT be “good or bad”.
When I got good at these practices I felt a clearer head, calmer demeanor, that I was making definitive choices, and overall that maybe I was just living life versus feeling like I was just awaiting the next choice that would likely make
my whole day or week “good or bad”. I experienced clarity around my parenting, work, eating, habits of staying up too late or scrolling, spending and time management. Suddenly it appeared that when I was not busy labeling everything, I could actually experience it and be ok just doing the best I could in that moment.
And that was the truest lesson of all: the only thing we can truly do is the best in each moment. Life’s measure of good or bad is a journey. It is rare we can make one decision that will last a lifetime. The freedom to accept it won’t always be one way or the other, face the true freedoms to just live. I can live … and actually live closer to what I desire, and I think God has called me to, if I soaked time on each choice as an individual experience.
This observing and shift in habits has me entering December with peace and craving more. So I figured that would be my word for 2024. But then I put it through this new effort and I realized peace is more of the result I want, so what is the practice. While reading a book I was introduced to the idea of “gentle” and how challenging it is for those of us seeking perfection. How difficult is it to wake up, plan your whole day with “good things” only to be interrupted by illness or a kid in need or a spouse’s demands or a work unexpected emergency? How do you keep peace: you be gentle in return. The book said if done well it will be the hardest thing to do, and the one that results in peace.
So I practiced through December and guess what? It took serious work! If I was going to be gentle with my 3 year old, I was going to have to have the energy…. Which meant better sleep… which meant planning ahead and not staying up to play catch up. This didn’t always happen, but was the example that was hardest and yet when I did it yielded the best results. I had to stop strong arming it all, make my best assessment for how I will need to be gentle, compare it to my vocational calling, and then execute. Up front: it has been tiring, the book was right. But my life, after just trying for a few weeks – is filled with more peace. While I will warn you – doing things I never thought I would do, that have had me finding God in crazy nooks and crannies.
The word of the year for 2024 will be gentle. Starting with a full January and being ok with this posted January 31!
Thank you so much for reading and remember to make it a great day!
Jackie
Have A Little Faith in We 