I snapped the below picture last week on a walk. It was so pretty and also reminded me all the different seasons I walked this neighborhood path. This view has been seen in spring, summer, fall and winter… and also with a newborn, with my parents, with my sister and her little baby (who is now in kindergarten), and with friends on the phone to catch up, to cry, to reminisce, and to grieve. And it has been walked with every single emotion: hope, fear, anger, sadness, despair, joy, happiness, excitement, and awe. All of these thoughts came rushing back to me and my heart missed BessetteDaily.
In 2014 I had been blogging for a bit – and loving it – but the same challenge existed: my ability to be consistent. Pick the reason as to why: writing blocks, emotions, time, medical challenges, thrown plans, exciting detours… they all popped up and pulled me away. But instagram daily post was something I was able to do and loved it so much I continued it until 2019. The reasons I both loved this practice and missed it were the moments of pause it brought me each and every day to think what I wanted to say about that day. Not every post was happy or uplifting… some downright raw and painful. But I loved the sense of knowing this was a day that will never again happen in the course of the world and I got to show my appreciation for it with a documentation. These feelings of joy (specifically being happy in the hard), hope, strength and gratitude filled me when I reflected on the experience and why it continued year after year. Yes, it pointed to what was missing in those years, but also what I loved about them… and by the grace and mercy of our dear Lord, still love to this day.
So when snapping this picture it made me think back to that effort, first I was sad that not every day from 2020 to now had not been memorialized. It made me wonder if I took every day to pause and see the good, be grateful, and learn from the challenge. Arguably some of the most important moments in my life and the journey through motherhood that has forever changed me. My fear is not so much for the internet documentation, but for myself or to thank God, had I paused and cherished?
The truth is over the last three years there have been moments I am so sure I will never forget because it was the recognition of miracles in my own life. I am hopeful you just don’t let them slip away. There is also the reality that motherhood changes you and we know, even if not documented or captured perfectly – the details are etched into your heart, into the arms that hold your babies, into your body that exists sometime purely on the mix of love and grit for your family. But deep down I do have one regret – these past few years have also presented such pain, I did wish some of the days away. I pined for them to go faster, to make it out of the dark, to just know what is going to happen. And now that I have made it to other side where I can live with the pain…. and I know I am OK, there is a little sadness that I didn’t have that practice.
But in that sadness, there is one very clear and distinct feeling: I have no regret and in fact maybe even more happiness over the fact that I did the practice for that season. I loved my life and I was really proud of it. I know how imperfect it was and yet I am very clear on how and why I still choose it. It looks so different now and seeing especially Danny as a shell of who he was or could be, I am even more grateful for how much time I spent in that life and celebrating the silver linings.
Over the past few years I have gotten the questions: did Danny die? Why isn’t he around anymore? And other variations (yes… these exact questions). There are a lot of different answers I could give… some really detailed, some very short and sweet. And I struggle over them because as much as my heart and emotions and life – had being damaged collateral of what happens in CF…. I have to recognize there are others here with pain too. And something I am personally working on – not claiming whose pain is worse or more justified. Maybe better put – there is so much pain, suffering, fear, sadness, brokenness surrounding terminal illness – it is pointless to try to make us think we can understand it better by putting everyone in their own neat category. And there is a little girl who even at a tender age of 3 who is trying to make heads or tails of it and perhaps the biggest reminder to myself, my family and Danny’s family the raw sadness that exists over it all. So for now I will use what the surgeon told me right around 2nd transplant day: he will not come out of this mentally the same as he was and physically the dependance on meds is so great, he will likely not fair well. The part the doc left out is a lot of us would not fair well – both with what would happen and with watching Danny after this hoped for miracle, never return to the life he had wanted for so long.
In this new life that has a lot of missing pieces from the old, it would maybe seem even more surprising I look back on it BessetteDaily fondly, yet I do. The true sadness comes from a recognition that when I started the project I thought it would a story of progression and how things have built on each other…. How our world expands. And at first glance it has felt more like life has had a lot of loss and took more twists and turns rather than progress forward… or has it? And this little question is the exact reason I miss it, slowing down, documenting the days that connect to make the years and to see the truth: this life has built on each experience and progressed forward, it just included a lot more unexpected. Life is never for nothing and if you are gifted with looking back without regret… don’t forget to celebrate that either.
Thank you so much for reading and remember to make it a great day!
Jackie
Have A Little Faith in We 