Recently I posed a question to myself: “why are the exact things that used to propel me forward or motivate me to keep going the very things that are destroying me?” If you can’t tell raw honesty was what I was looking for in this reflective moment. I am not destroyed, but that is what it has felt like when all of my tried and true tricks to do all the things were not working anymore.
Work overload? Stay up all night and get it done. = I can’t give up my sleep anymore and even when I try, the works isn’t at the level I need it.
Shannon off her game? Plan a day of treats and outings = the distractions last a whole heck of a lot less! Plus we can’t keep spending our troubles away(especially as the wish list expands from a lollipop or book to bigger items), and they don’t remove her questions, just delay them.
And maybe the most interesting one: feeling strong, accomplished, and successful when I am busy and being asked to have and do and make all the things = my brain is in overload, my time feels trapped, my weeks fly by and I feel like I am doing most of my roles on cruise control (and maybe even in the passenger seat).
Over the past few weeks I have become very aware that boot strapping my way through this life isn’t an option- no matter how often I return to it. The survival mode that I have been in with a lot of fight or flight has produced some lingering affects and my body and mind returns to that mode as quickly as possible, because it was the norm for a substantial amount of time. Plus a little dose of reality: the demand to figure out how to cope is a blessing because it is requiring that I see what is true and then choose how to navigate it. Not just keep going to complete burnout.
What is true in life: so many of the things that I face which are challenging me, are a result of the things I wanted in life. There are a variety on the list but the biggest ones are being a mom and my work. Both are full of pinch me moments and a direct answer to prayer. Both have surprised me with how much they are hard on your heart and how much better they are than what I anticipated. And maybe the underline biggest truth: both are so different than I imagined, my brain has tried to turn it into I am doing it wrong. No brain, I am doing it in reality.
How God wants me to cope: I have come to two conclusions on God’s plan for how to respond to life challenges:
1- Trust Him more. Recently I heard Emily Stimpson Chapman speak about having such confidence and trust in God, you can use it to fight the fear or seasons of confusion. I am shortening and likely butchering the message- but this is what my ears heard. This is what called for change to the mindset I was using to bully myself from: “if you were such a strong believer you would have more ability to trust” to “if I don’t have the strength to trust for a specific sceernario, remember I can always focus trust in who God is.”
2- Cherish the blessings exactly as they are. Sounds simple… and yet it has been a solid four weeks of having to actively stop my brain from questioning and just see the present moment. This has required slowing down, and noticing details. It has been fascinating: I have enjoyed both Shannon and work more, while questioning everything less. But I will share its active and consistent work.
My reaction: these two new truths have found me surprisingly quickly (like when you research a car and suddenly see it everywhere). But it is in the application that has influenced me the most: I have needed silence and a ton of time away. This summer has presented a variety of special moments and memories that I want to capture – especially here- this is what I want to look back on and read about . There has also been opportunities for more fun and people and I have just needed space and my pack of 3. Taking that time and space it, I feel the fog lifting.
As my summer hiding has melted some, I have connected with so many others who feel the same. Their world may be completely different and yet these vibes or moods or mental fog are universal. I think it is what we call the human experience.
That has helped me to feel lucky to be among the many trying their best daily. I have to remember life is about different seasons and there will also be change that requires pause, reflection, and pivot until the end of our days. And that lesson in truth is vitally important, because it has stopped me from trying to find the solution to just fix it all. I keep looking for “the answer” (if I just get a better planner or purse or find a Saint that will be my Saint, or a prayer routine that changes everything, or a morning routine or a bedtime meditation….) I was making myself crazy and all I really needed to find was reality: this is life with no perfect answer! It’s God who is the only perfection and we are just meant to do our best to let him into our imperfection.
Finally I want to remind myself and anyone reading today or who has followed along for years: life and spiritual life are a journey. We won’t ever achieve the true “ah-ha” in this life. I heard it explained specially about faith: the achieving what we are on earth to do is what happens in eternity. We are wired this way to seek it and strive for it, but not to find it in this world. So yes, I have talked about surrender and trust and Thy will for, well maybe ever, and it’s not necessarily a lack of learning. Rather it’s needing to relearn it for each new phase. That freedom has been life giving too.
Shannon, Oliver, and my career- these things are running me hard, but making me better and happy, even in the hard. And God, I didn’t forget the prayers for them… I just forgot to start my approach to navigating them with gratitude to you and a request for help. Thanks for showing up anyway.
Resources (just like that when your looking for a car thing… these found me at the perfect time and if any of you can relate to what I shared above… check these out):
Father Schmitz Homily: Hurry and Worry
Jennie Allen Podcast: If God Gave You Everything
Hills and Horizon Song: Futures
These are resources too, but I can’t share them as they are part of a subscription. However I highly recommend:
Mother & Home Community: Recent Feature of Emily Simpson Chapman
Hallow App: Consecration to St. Joseph (all are great but day 10 really stuck with me)
Made for Greatness: they do free seminars and I have done a recent one on adult emotions that was fantastic.
Thank you so much for reading and remember to make it a great day!
Jackie
Have A Little Faith in We 